Ashamed

I am. I owe you more apologies than I can muster right now dear reader, and perhaps when I can form all these crazy notes into sentences and the sentences into blogs, you will understand. That is my goal right now. And as of right now, I have four posts. Let's see if I can hang on, not break down, and get through this with you at my side. Wait! Wait! Someone get a tissue!

Damn it. As my last post on 9/15/14 stated, my cognitive function was down. Since then, it dropped even further in the following days. I couldn't remember anything. I mean anything. It was gone in seconds. I would go to the store for milk and come home with crackers and when it was time to feed the dogs I would say "I need to get the dogs more food..." I found myself losing chunks of time. I began to make lists because I was freaking out when I was 'in my right mind'. Then I would forget to cross things off my list and buy it again on the next shopping trip.

Two good examples of being out of my mind are the toothpaste and the wallflowers incidences. One morning I awoke and going about my usual morning routine I discovered all my toothpaste was gone. I had one tube in use, 2 travel sizes in two travel bags, and a small backup. Gone. Just gone. I never move it. It sits in the same spot as it did two decades ago. WTF?! The next is the wallflowers (plug in scent dispersing plug in deals) from Bath & Body Works. I had a coupon for a few free ones and I bought a couple for my roommate. Upon returning home I gave her the ones I bought for her and we chatted for a bit. I went down to my apartment and put my things away. The next day she couldn't find hers anywhere. We searched high and low. This went on for days. She suggested looking where I put mine and I insisted I didn't pick hers up I distinctly recall...wait a sec...shit. Never found the toothpaste.

If this is what Alzheimer's feels like, overdose me on something. Seriously. I tried to hide it as much as I could but I know people noticed. I smiled a lot and said things like "It really is a beautiful day today." Of course there were other things like forgetting when I showered last, forgetting the am meds, trash day, "when was the use by date on this hamburger? I thought I just bought it?" when it was two weeks old. I posted in my blog today right? I'll check when I get home...yeeaaahhh.

I'm so ashamed that I tried to hide it. I'm ashamed that it happened. I'm not sure why. Wait, yes I do. The stigma. The pity. The condensention like I have brain damage or hearing loss. IT'S OKAY I'LL FIX YOUR COFFEE FOR YOU. Even though you are trying to be helpful, I really just want to punch you in the throat. Simple reminders would be just fine. Check-ins would be great. "How ya doing?" The disbelievers judging and shaking their heads. My boyfriend making a good natured joke about it but not understanding how much it really stings. I'm ashamed because I'm so mad at the illness that keeps tearing my world apart no matter what I try to do. If you think you can live with that from day to day, letting eat away at your pride, your self-confidence, your self-reliance-I dare you to try it for a few days. I would bet everything you couldn't make it.

I'm ashamed I wasn't able to get to you dear reader. That is something I truly regret but this is sometimes beyond my control. I know you understand this, but it does not mean I accept it. I think that is the one area in which I will have to retract my promise of telling you what I am experiencing when I am experiencing it, I can only tell you after the fact. This was a big one. It lasted longer than the other times. And that's not all of it. The story goes on...