tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-72950388735542283392024-03-18T22:12:24.520-05:00Inside My Chronic IllnessMy daily life and personal experience with Fibromyalgia, Degenerative Disk Disease, Depression, and all their overlapping issues. What you read is how I am in that day and moment. Join me on my *almost* daily gauntlet as I traverse this invisible illness from the inside perspective and look at the events of my life. There will be heavy emotions, much cussing and definite sarcasm! I would love to hear from you!Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.comBlogger72125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-67898633916377211932015-10-18T19:43:00.001-05:002015-10-18T19:47:04.468-05:00Getting back upFall is here! My favorite season and I'm feeling better. I believe I mentioned previously that my neuro and I decided not to do the Botox anymore and instead try the Trokendi instead of the topamax. It tried it for two weeks and it seemed fine . After the multiple calls to my insurance company, the Trokendi manufacturer, my pharmacy and my doc's again, I got my 30 day supply. It was free with theAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-91740505171527692172015-08-30T14:18:00.001-05:002015-08-30T14:18:53.526-05:00Roller Coaster...Being Chronically Ill is like being on a roller coaster. I used to love them. Then they became bumpy. Lurch-y. They became faster. The loops bigger, the twists dizzier. Your stomach fell and you felt sick. Things spun out of control fast. You lost the focal point. It's too much. Suddenly the ride comes to loud screeching halt that ends in a final hard jerk of your head and a moment of Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-2040957268485762512015-06-11T18:04:00.003-05:002015-06-11T18:10:02.341-05:00At a LossI owe you an apology. A HUGE one. I just left you. With no explanation or warning. But that is the insidious thing about a chronic illness. It does things to you that makes you unable to do things you would have done...well...before.
I believe I began this blog for the loved ones of those with chronic illness to help them understand what kind of war wages inside our bodies daily. A war that Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-23801914258313031012014-11-18T04:30:00.002-06:002014-11-18T04:32:54.959-06:00The TidesWell dear reader, here we are again, 3:15 am and no sleeping here tonight. This insidious 'illness' has thrown me for a loop again. I thought I was doing better, I really did. I was getting things done (as opposed to doing nothing like I have done before) and I was beginning to feel better about myself. I bought some meat and thought I would begin to cook again; instead of buying meat and not Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-2854442694633375412014-11-13T17:08:00.000-06:002014-11-13T17:38:57.623-06:00And Downward Spiral ResumesHere I am again, once again tumbling in a downward spiral. I'm so exhausted from crying. I feel like the whole last year has been an illusion. I'm back at square one dear reader. All my efforts have been for naught.
I'm not even sure what to say now. No one gets it. No one understands. They see the mask I wear to cover my despair. No matter how I try to explain it, it doesn't matter. I can't Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-54917236168405346842014-11-06T18:03:00.000-06:002014-11-06T18:03:39.256-06:00A Sign of the TimesDearest Reader,
I am again so sorry for my absence in our correspondence. I was caught up in local events and pushing myself to go beyond my comfort zone. I tried my best, hoped things might get better, and, in the end, the more things change the more they stay the same.
In an effort to adequately regale the recent events and tell you how my days have been going, this may end up in several Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-90205804421774889502014-10-18T15:25:00.002-05:002014-10-18T15:27:44.358-05:00Crown My Town! Pt. 2As I was saying, On Wednesday, October 15th, I decided I was going to head down to watch Game 4 of the ALCS Championship Series at P&L. My hometown #boysinblue Kansas City Royals had won the last last three games against the Baltimore Orioles in very tense and close games that ended in extra innings. If we won this one, we would sweep the series and would be headed to World Series.
P&L&Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-3560627588624283242014-10-18T13:43:00.001-05:002014-10-18T13:43:50.711-05:00Crown My Town! Pt. 1Oh Dearest Reader...
It was worth it. It absolutely was. How I so wish each and every one of you could have been there! Perhaps you were. It was epic. And I mean epic. I thought I knew what epic was before this. I was wrong. I'm paying with massive pain today. Crazy pain! But I just can't stop telling myself-"It was worth it." I'd like to introduce you to my hometown.
Home-Kansas City, Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-26549325268072462992014-10-12T18:51:00.000-05:002014-10-12T18:54:52.351-05:00I'm Done with This WeekI've had it this week. I'm FINE-frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional. I'm sick of the good-intentioned promiser that never delivers. The tech devices that just don't cooperate. The ppl that come for advice then disregard it completely. I am weary of the things that make me smh, the ones you reach out but leave you hanging and crap that's accumulated over time and you find out no one Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-65242938353851854632014-10-04T18:31:00.000-05:002014-10-04T18:37:28.212-05:00UndoneI have to say Dear Reader, I wish you were here right now. Everyone I need is out of my reach not because of distance or proximity, but because I put them there. I could really use a hug and maybe a shoulder to cry on. That's what I'm doing right now. Crying.
Every #spoonie knows about crying. Often times it's from the pain. The physical pain I mean. And emotional pain. Like grief and loss, Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-26664980131417115172014-09-29T19:09:00.000-05:002014-09-29T19:09:41.718-05:00BlakeMy Dearest Reader,
I'd like you to meet my cousin, and possibly one of the greatest guys on the planet. Let me preface what I am about to write by saying he passed away last Thursday, by his own hand, with a gun, in the middle of the day. He was battling depression.
I grew up with my cousins and saw them at every holiday and family function. Every New Year's Day (and my asshole brother'sAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-68070936553053108302014-09-26T22:17:00.001-05:002014-09-26T22:17:29.585-05:00Torn ApartThe shreds are all around me. Like the contents of the silverware drawer scattered and littering the floor. The last few days have left this spoonie exhausted, lying on the floor, tear stains on my face with alcohol in one hand and pills in another. I have no energy, mostly apathy, and this is me desperately trying to keep my word to you dear reader.
I'm in it - deep. The past has reared it's Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-33335918300705859592014-09-23T22:14:00.001-05:002014-09-23T22:14:05.502-05:00AshamedI am. I owe you more apologies than I can muster right now dear reader, and perhaps when I can form all these crazy notes into sentences and the sentences into blogs, you will understand. That is my goal right now. And as of right now, I have four posts. Let's see if I can hang on, not break down, and get through this with you at my side. Wait! Wait! Someone get a tissue!
Damn it. As my last Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-38031311280953408442014-09-10T00:25:00.001-05:002014-09-10T00:25:45.574-05:00Pain x 4**FYI: I could have sworn I posted this Sunday or Monday. Today is Tuesday. Well, for a few more minutes anyway.*This is a very disturbing aspect of the illness for me* If you don't see why this would be upsetting, apply this to any aspect of your job. Kids activities? I can lose minutes or hours when I am alone. I have alerts and alarms on my phone. Today I was so tired, so sluggish I lost Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-16375911764681636952014-09-04T10:00:00.000-05:002014-09-04T10:00:03.615-05:00Vegas baby!
Dearest Reader~
I did not abandon ship!! I did get off the boat for a minute to explore paradise and it was wonderfully overwhelming! Well, Las Vegas is nowhere near Paradise but you know what I mean! You also know my luck is usually bad luck. I don't get the breaks. If something does happen to go a scoach my way I get nervous and wait for the earthquake to begin to rumble. This holiday Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-22476062927837722282014-08-27T02:07:00.001-05:002014-08-27T02:07:23.890-05:00A Spooning SpoonieDearest Reader,
How have you been? I have been remiss in asking what you have doing in your life, how are things going for you, and for that I apologize.
When I began writing to you I wasn't seeing my therapist due to my financial strife. The strife remains yet I am able to visit her once again. I was overjoyed to see her today and eager to tell her about you, my #spoonie friends and #support, Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-46116729159173341962014-08-23T16:24:00.000-05:002014-08-23T16:24:00.570-05:00Hello Pain, Goodbye EnergyI did it to myself. I will take the rap for this one. I didn't listen to the angel on my right shoulder. I reacted too quickly. I did too much. I took the days of feeling good for granted.
I can't even recall what I posted yesterday and I'm too afraid I won't have the energy to finish this to go check. Did I say I am so fucking stupid? Yeah. I am.
The pain has enveloped me like a shroud in slowAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-56729532283778794132014-08-21T22:12:00.001-05:002014-08-21T22:12:23.914-05:00Kid President's Pep Talk to Teachers and Students!I needed something uplifting today. Too many ice buckets without understanding the reasoning behind it. Dealing with a major financial mistake I made, passive-aggressive people and dealing with my own OCD. I'm too tired to make my own bed. So, since school has just started, here is my bud Kid President. Google his story, he's one tough guy. He's my inspiration! Smooches!
Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-74237714628996500582014-08-21T01:42:00.000-05:002014-08-21T01:42:03.831-05:00Perpetual StressI'm so fucking stupid. I thought I was really turning a corner. My energy seemed to be steady, I finally was able to get a few things paid off, caught up and give myself a few things I thought I deserved. I finally got my glasses and paid my car taxes. I set up my bills to be paid on time. I am so fucking stupid.
My short-term vision was accurate this time. It was my long-term focus last year Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-80986348755811668282014-08-17T21:32:00.002-05:002014-08-17T21:35:16.386-05:00One Step ForwardI mentioned way back aways about how sometimes I, as a spoonie, have to get out of my head. Yesterday was one of those days. I've been blessed with some good days physically and I have been very careful not to overdo it. Of course I look longingly at the weeds around the patio, the clutter here and there that I am slowing getting to, and on and on.
My dinner plans fell through, I was hungry and Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-15132437911771232882014-08-16T14:46:00.001-05:002014-08-16T14:47:04.640-05:00Just TiredI was just sitting here thinking abut what I might need from the store when I realized I wasn't thinking about that at all. My mind had wandered to the place that I have been afraid of for so long. In my mind I was at discovery.
I am really too overwhelmed to go into the science of it all. Essentially, I posted this blog where everyone and anyone can access to it. That was my intention when I Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-356976757655282912014-08-14T18:59:00.000-05:002014-08-14T18:59:10.629-05:00A Message to the Depressed.He Found My Words
After I watched this I couldn't find the words to express how it made me feel. I was stuck-literally-until I realized that the words that I wanted became clear.
It became clear to me, dearest reader, that all I've ever wanted was not the words to use but the words to hear-exactly what he says he should have said to his friend.
I've never been able to articulate what he says. Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-45541594258119446872014-08-12T01:16:00.000-05:002014-08-12T01:18:49.880-05:00Robin Williams
Approximately 30 minutes ago I posted the following on my FB page. Before the last paragraph I took pause because this was not the way I had envisioned announcing having a blog to the people from my old life. Not that I was announcing it. Presenting it. Whatever. I was anxious. I did indeed begin this endeavor before and was met with complete and utter disappointment. Great results for a Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-41064928132077298742014-08-11T04:15:00.001-05:002014-08-11T04:21:38.796-05:00One small action...It's 3:20 am and I'm wide awake. Less than an hour ago I was falling asleep sitting up, with my head bobbing to and fro as gravity was determined to pull me down. When my consciousness finally caught up enough to realize "Oh I need sleep! Go to bed dumbass!" I gathered up the remnants of energy to finalize the Amazon.com transaction (I finally ordered the new power cord for the behemothAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7295038873554228339.post-48160122803619797412014-08-08T22:51:00.002-05:002014-08-08T22:51:42.286-05:00Narcotics Part IIIThe rest of the three plus hour conversation was crying, questions, bewilderment, praying, and the story up to that point. I've been working on these posts for days now and doing much reflection. I think I can honestly say this may rank above the death of my mother as the most- I can't even come up with a word here - sad? tragic? absolutely devastating? event that has happened in or around my Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01162955570466739135noreply@blogger.com0