Torn Apart

The shreds are all around me. Like the contents of the silverware drawer scattered and littering the floor. The last few days have left this spoonie exhausted, lying on the floor, tear stains on my face with alcohol in one hand and pills in another. I have no energy, mostly apathy, and this is me desperately trying to keep my word to you dear reader.

I'm in it - deep. The past has reared it's head and the present is giving me the finger. I'm ready to chuck-it into the fuck-it buck-it and move on. If only it were that simple. Here is a quick recast since we last met:

Big toes were sliced and diced for ingrown nails. No biggie but tons of pain due to the 7 numbing shots, go figure. Diagnosed with plantar fasciitis. Given nighttime BOOTs (are you fucking serious?!) med adjustments, my patellar something or other is off or out or not where is should be so knee brace. Then a call reporting my kidney levels are off, switching meds. Then another med is in short supply and the insurance want a 90 day supply and between the pharm, doc and me it takes a hysterical me having no more meds calling the on call doc to call the pharm to fix it all.

Then add following the docs advice to do a Miralax cleanse that ends up with me in an ambulance with projectile vomiting despite the three doses of Zofran ending with a "rather large" kidney stone.

Or perhaps how even though I try to do all the right things I still mess things up with the great boyfriend by having this sicking illness. And true to my status and what most people know about me, nothing I actually plan works out, like the football tickets I got for us.

Then top it off with everyone having a life of their own, except for a dear cousin, who committed suicide two days ago. Just like Robin Williams, you would never have guessed he would ever be capable of that act.

I've barely been out of bed today. I've been crying all day. The void grows bigger. The terminal lack of love appears to be perpetual, not intermittent. Life goes on. Sometimes I question why. I want out of my head. With the sweet comes the salt. Someone unscrewed the lid to my saltshaker.