Undone

I have to say Dear Reader, I wish you were here right now. Everyone I need is out of my reach not because of distance or proximity, but because I put them there. I could really use a hug and maybe a shoulder to cry on. That's what I'm doing right now. Crying.

Every #spoonie knows about crying. Often times it's from the pain. The physical pain I mean. And emotional pain. Like grief and loss, someone who passed or left a relationship. I classify another type of pain with crying. Depression crying. I believe this is another level of sadness altogether. I've spoken about the asshole in your head when you have depression. Guess who showed up in my head today.

I was Facebooking with an old friend who lives in New York who I owe a visit. I mean I am seriously overdue. As we communicated the little voice began chiming in "You're going to lose this friend too. You are a horrible friend." I ignored my self-talk and kept on. Suffice it to say I was sobbing and ended up sending him a private message. It was really me being brutally honest and sharing my truest and deepest fear-or belief-that I am un-lovable. This is what I said:

I'm really struggling. It's difficult to get out bed. I have a hard time asking for help. I cry very often, usually over memories. I'm trying to purge 'clutter' and it's killing me. My cousins death and funeral sent me downward. I interpret everything anyone says/does as negative and internalize it. Even typing this is so hard because I know I've let you down for so long. I don't have any friends here anymore. I've successfully pushed everyone away that might hurt me, which is everyone. Just to prove I am unlovable. I can't talk now but the fact I can type this much is great. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry

And then when I get no reply at all, that's voice tell me I've really fucked things up. Again. Another one down. I owned my feelings though. That's supposed to be good though, right?

Two days ago my bestie guy friend told me via text (have I mentioned how much I abhor texting?) that my illness is all in my head (and what #spoonie hasn't heard that a zillion times) and espoused all the things I should be doing that will make me all better. I worry about him as he has developed a serious drinking problem. He has blackouts and gets belligerent. I've been trying to get him to AA. He's used every alcoholics excuses. I'm pretty sure he was drunk when he said I am just a weak-minded person and I choose to live this way and live off people's pity. And he doesn't need a friend like that around bringing him down so consider us no longer friends. Depression just sat there laughing hysterically in the background. Later on it said, "See idiot, no one cares. They will always leave you. (then in a high-pitched sassy voice with an emphasis and trill at the end) un-lovable."

Lasty, I don't know if it's me or the depression, but I have a bad feeling about the new man. Something is off and it's very apparent since last weekend. It was bad for both of us individually, and since then all the nice and happy chit-chat is gone replaced by more formality. No calls or visits, just excuses and texts. I've requested time for a face-to-face. If he has something to say, he can say it to my face. Or if there is any issue, its better in person, right? Of course depression is hanging out like the Cheshire cat, twitching it's tail and dropping distracting thoughts.

Alone again. I don't have any self-harming plans if you are worried about me, And thank you for the concern. See? Did I say that with real appreciation or was it sarcastic? Texting, ugh!! I do appreciate you dearer, more than you can know. My therapist is on vacation, my roomie is out, and honestly I don't feel like going anywhere. I want to go to bed. It's warm and dark and I don't have to think there. Depression can push a person to do some truly crazy things. So can the wrong medications. My issues are exclusion and reassurance (abandonment), trust, and being honest about my feelings and health. I'm going to keep on doing what I was doing and not let depression win today. It might have a drink later on. Maybe.