I'm Done with This Week

I've had it this week. I'm FINE-frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional. I'm sick of the good-intentioned promiser that never delivers. The tech devices that just don't cooperate. The ppl that come for advice then disregard it completely. I am weary of the things that make me smh, the ones you reach out but leave you hanging and crap that's accumulated over time and you find out no one really gives two shits about. I'm pissed at the people who always promised, swore they would be there and for whatever reason, aren't.
     Part of it is my fault. I am learning how to say no. It's my nature to give and give and give until I have nothing left for myself. I've been a caretaker all my life, a roll which I enjoy. I do not understand it when I can actually help (or are even asked for it) in a big way and I get brushed off or pushed away! WTF?! It hurts me when a person declares affection for me of some kind, makes promises, etc. and does a 180 when I need them. Why does one offer to help in the first place knowing you don't mean it. Why say let's have lunch and never call? I actually (and somewhat rudely) replied to that very statement by stating something like, 'you will have to get in touch with me as my other attempts were fruitless.' I have a three time rule (Thank you Ann Landers), if I ask three times and you refuse/can't/don't, I am released of that obligation. So don't tell me 'if you need to carry something heavy for you just call me and I'll stop by after work'. I'd still be outside cause I would have died of exposure. I just don't understand why that is so difficult. Be honest people. I don't know if I'll be able to do (whatever) but if you can't find someone call me. Perhaps the voice of depression is right. My expectations are unreasonable. I'm unlovable. Then I think, is breathing, nice and having manners unreasonable?
     I have been dealing with Fibromyalgia and Depression for over a decade, probably longer. The image below depicts how I feel on most days and how I would look if you could see this illness. I consider myself fragile. There is no cure as there is no cure for ALS, LUPUS, ME-according to http://invisibledisabilities.org/what-is-an-invisible-disability/ -74% of Americans who live with a severe disability do not use [visibly assisting] devices.
     Moreover, the number of adults suffering from depression is staggering. Typically those people are the not the stereotypical person in pj's in bed withdrawn. There is simply too much information to even glean any sort of description of what it's like for me. I can say this, I never used to ask for help. Behind the smiles and humor is a lot of pain. Physical and emotional. I began a blog earlier this summer for Spoonies and their supporters. I am raw and real there. I do it for me. I do it for the Spoonies that can't find the words to say what they want/need to say. Strangers accept me as 2.0f. Long-time friends and fam have a hard time getting past 1.0v.  I
urge you to Google information on depression. The most-severe cases seem to be people who are gregarious, happy, popular, loved and loving, funny, and present as 'normal'. Like Robin Williams. Like my cousin Blake who took his own life last month. And FYI-depressed people will not seek out help, will try to keep it on the DL, and will put on the best front ever. If they decide on suicide, there will be no "attempt". Depressed people need genuine caring and help. No one wants to believe it could happen to anyone they know. Small things, innocuous things, medication changes even, can change the chemicals in the brain enough to trigger a brain dysfunction and send out a message where the body responds. Basically the illness kills the person.

      As for me, I know I don't look sick. That's the worst possible thing you can say to me. I know no one can know my experience except another Spoonie. We're warriors too. Google Fibromyalgia, Spoonie Story, Signs of Depression. Don't do it for me. I don't need sympathy or pity (today anyway). Do it because 1:10 people have an invisible illness and I'll wager you know way more than ten people.

*Part of this I posted on FB. Let's see how many ppl distance themselves from me. It was about 1/2 of this post.