My short-term vision was accurate this time. It was my long-term focus last year and I dwelled on it all. I'm smh. My tunnel-vision locked into placed and got stuck. And when it rains it pours. I skipped adding my car insurance to the bill-pay feature. Oops. My lawyer, who is usually cool, popped up today with his hand out looking for more that have gotten thus far. I earn too much for food stamps now. My glasses were twice what I thought and the lenses suck. And that's just a very small sample.
I just can't take all this when I thought things were smoothing out. I was crying in my car today whilst I traversed the city for a medication that every Walgreens is either low or or out of stock on, that I have been trying to get for two weeks. Really? Really?? (Does this harken back to the Narcotics article?) (Imagine me screaming SHIT at the top of my lungs right now).
I have one potential good thing going on but I'm sure I'll fuck that up somehow. The kids all seem to be doing well and that's a blessing. I would endure any amount of pain for them.
I'm trying to do my best. I'm purging and organizing and sifting through the rubble of the past that surrounds me. It's never enough. I have no help. In the past my friends were there and I took their insight for granted. As much as I am wish I could, I don't operate as I used to. I have one watering can that nourishes me, but I so yearn for more. I'm burning my candle at both ends. I am trying to beat the clock, or the pain as it were. It's there and I can feel it coming, tapping me on my shoulder with an evil and salacious grin. I feel like a ticking timebomb. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop, sitting here in the silence wondering what will happen next.
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