When my consciousness finally caught up enough to realize "Oh I need sleep! Go to bed dumbass!" I gathered up the remnants of energy to finalize the Amazon.com transaction (I finally ordered the new power cord for the behemoth 2005 Toshiba Laptop that is my Music and picture central-aka my pulse), changed into a fresh pair of jamas and was just about to crawl under the covers when I remembered I wanted to see the super moon. I figured the dogs needed to go out anyway so on went the flip flops and out we went. Ed Sheeran was crooning All of the Stars and I was looking up at the moon and for a minute I felt peaceful. Really just completely at peace, serene, and content. I didn't feel any significant pain, my mind was at rest and I inhaled a deep cleansing breath of night air. I recognized how important this minute was, how long it's been since I've felt this way and how I can't let that be the exception.
Interestingly enough, I think the reason for this is the simplest thing, the thing we all are capable of but often forget and usually take for granted. A person I recently met was nice to me for no reason. That person showed me the simplest expression of compassion, empathy and kindness and I was so caught off guard I didn't know how to react. They treated me like I mattered and that my pain is real.
If I never see that person again, they will never know the astounding affect a simple kindness had on me. I haven't felt this well in years. I couldn't go full steam all day but I could feel the OCD tapping me on my shoulder, a feeling I had long forgotten and was a signal of a return of something good.
Likewise, I was also able to extend the same thing to very important people who have had way more on their plate than most can handle. What I did was the same, words of compassion, support, love and strength. It does just as much for me to be the giver as it is to be the receiver.
I'm sad to say the minutes didn't last. I little bastard devil on my left shoulder whispered in my ear the reminder that this feeling I'm having is only temporary. It won't last. It never does. This is an exception, a tease, a cruel joke. I was flooded by the overwhelming feeling that yes, this would not last. The minute was gone. I had sabotaged myself. The little devil was laughing manicially and adding fuel to the fire, trying to cast doubt on things that haven't even come to pass!
So here I am dear reader, babbling to you as dawn approaches and the anxiety has subsided. I kept a few spoons in my hand this time. I didn't collapse, cry, self-medicate, hate or do any of the negative things in my repertoire. So that's a start. I'm headed to sleep finally. I hope to have more for you tomorrow! Stay strong my fearless readers!
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