Hello Pain, Goodbye Energy

I did it to myself. I will take the rap for this one. I didn't listen to the angel on my right shoulder. I reacted too quickly. I did too much. I took the days of feeling good for granted.

I can't even recall what I posted yesterday and I'm too afraid I won't have the energy to finish this to go check. Did I say I am so fucking stupid? Yeah. I am.

The pain has enveloped me like a shroud in slow motion. Like dark water takes hold of a drowning victim who know what's happening yet looks up for waiting for a savior.

Maybe a fog is the best way to describe it today. I couldn't sleep for long. The lack of good sleep takes it's toll of course. Five hours in three segments. My neck on the right has been acting up from numbing to searing pain. My elbows are in full rebellion and my hands refuse to hold onto much for long. My fingers are swollen beyond the black band. My wrists will not support my hands while I type. My back is a celestial chart of pain. The disks are a knife blade and there are cane strikes. Hips, legs, sciatic nerves, feet, leg muscles. Then there is the aforementioned enveloping pain that instead of getting better with movement and stretching, only gets worse. I can't go on with this list. There is just too much. My self-assessment is lengthy and depressing.

The cognitive factor is really falling into play today. Balance is really off, temper is fluctuating. I'm hanging onto furniture to make it to the bathroom. I've had a surge in stress and I'm wondering if that isn't playing a part in this flare. I'm losing words and I made a critical financial error. My headaches are returning and I can't stay focused. I panic about things that aren't even on the radar.

I said I would tell you what going on in my head while I'm like this. I'm worried. I'm worried about my left leg tingling. My lower back in pain. I am so tired in want to slip into unconsciousness and get a good rest but my head will.not.turn.off. I feel so busy lately I can't even watch a whole movie but I know it's because I move so slowly. Zap! Behind my right knee. I feel resentful and angry and sad. I want to be to plan things in the long range. I want to hide right now. I don't want anyone to see me like this. There are only a few people I would let into my inner sanctum. I've learned I push people away. I don't know how not to do that.

This fucking illness might be a blessing in some ways, but I certainly don't see it. Right now while I'm rubbing my temples, losing my train of thought while tears are forming because it's happening right now, again. The light show (or pain show but you get it dear reader, right?) In the dark, with my music, using CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) raising my consciousness above my pain and submerging myself in the music. If the pain beats out the music, it's time to hit the ER. Arrrggghhhh!

Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't be better to move somewhere temperate, away from the life I had here. I loved my life here but it's gone now, never to be re-lived, only remembered. That person is dead and gone, no matter how I try to make it so. This is the reason why I felt moving out of state wouldn't be issue last time. I asked the people closest to me, the one's I thought might have an objection, but lo and behold, no objections, hesitations or questions. Of course I would miss the grands like crazy. Oh well, I'm stuck here. I love it and I know I would miss it. I need a nap.