At a Loss

I owe you an apology. A HUGE one. I just left you. With no explanation or warning. But that is the insidious thing about a chronic illness. It does things to you that makes you unable to do things you would have done...well...before.

I believe I began this blog for the loved ones of those with chronic illness to help them understand what kind of war wages inside our bodies daily. A war that can't be seen by the eyes but that it felt all over. Inside and out.

For me, I will have to think about why I so abruptly stopped blogging. Perhaps I didn't think anyone was reading them. Or more likely, perhaps I was thinking someone might be.

According to the stats page the latter has been happening. Not in staggering numbers but that's not what this is about. I'm not even certain I'm doing this blog correctly. I may, soon, find another blogging site to post on...any suggestions?

In my mind, I have had quite a few things going on since I last wrote to you. Without looking at my phone calendar (that fucking fibrofog you know) these things have occurred in no particular order:

I gained back 30lbs when they took me off Topamax because I was developing kidney stones. They put me back on it three weeks ago after a few 24 hr urine testes and 24 botox shots around my skill (that didn't work btw) and have begun losing weight again. (jazz hands) The nephrologist and neurologist were telling me two different things so I had to put them into the corner and make them hug it out until they compromised on this point.

My daughter became engaged last month to her beau of five years (tossing confetti emoji here). I am ecstatic for her and a ball of emotions!

I finally met a keeper and he has made the rounds of family and friends. They all gave him 5 stars and he is embarrassingly good to me. Still trepidatious after finding my own feet, but he respects me and is getting in tune with my illness (and when I don't express my pain). He has Type 1 Diabetes so I am happy I get to take care of him a little bit.

This is beginning to sound like a deranged Christmas letter! The finger neuropathy, back, neck, hip and shoulder pain are increasing and my sciatic nerve is screaming! The leg cramps are new so that's fun. A friend who runs a support group for another invisible illness posted this last week and I love it. I like the phraseology used in this, I'm 'faking being well'. That's so much more accurate!

This is a hard thing, living in this world of pain. Looking 'fine' and feeling like there are tiny battles are being waged inside you.
Wanting to do something big but knowing you will have to let that dream die. We will discuss this more, you and I. This is something I need to continue. I won't make any promises I am not absolutely sure I cannot keep, but I will try my best. And know we are laying, or standing, or walking side by side and you are most certainly not alone in your pain or your struggles. Be in comfort my friends.