The Tides

Well dear reader, here we are again, 3:15 am and no sleeping here tonight. This insidious 'illness' has thrown me for a loop again. I thought I was doing better, I really did. I was getting things done (as opposed to doing nothing like I have done before) and I was beginning to feel better about myself. I bought some meat and thought I would begin to cook again; instead of buying meat and not having the energy to make it into something and wasting the money. Fibro costs are squandered money, and not just on the medical and pharmaceutical front.

I am acknowledging right here and now, to you my friend, alarming new experiences. Maybe that's not the word I want. Side effect? Mhmm. Symptoms? Let me tell you and then you can insert your word into the space. These are some scary ones which are new, and I'm not sure which doc I should report to. My primary, neurologist, phrenologist, therapist, psychiatrist? I wish every primary doctor took on the role of medical care coordinator, the link between me and everyone else. I'm forgetting to much lately. If I'm given a direction or a task to complete, if whatever it is I need to do is out of my sight then it's out of my mind until something calls it into focus again. Does that sentence make sense?

And speaking of cognitive issues, I'm finding that I'm losing words and lacking comprehension. These are quick blips, as if my mind flicked off then on again. Another one that is the scariest to me right now is I have been disoriented. I feel sort of light-headed and for a split second don't know where I'm going, or recognize the road I'm on. In every occurance I should have been able to recognize where I am as they have all have been familiar places. Does this make sense?

The last one is that I keep dropping shit. Like I have bumbling hands. I've just broken the lid to the ceramic butter dish today. I have dropped my phone almost every day and waylaid food to the floor. I lost my coffee mug another day and had a few close calls with toiletries in the toilet. I'm having the worst butterfingers! (get it? see what I did there?)

I'm back where I am immobilized for fear. Petrified. I am faced with an opportunity to do something or go somewhere and suddenly with these new symptoms I am scared to commit or agree because I just don't know from one day to the next how I will be. The upcoming holiday, Thanksgiving, is already giving me anxiety. I might go out of town to see my bestie, with her sister (my roomie) and kids. First off, I don't know if I can sit that long. It's about an 8-10 hr drive. And I would be her relief driver as well, which also makes me nervous. I am in desperate need to see my friend, my touchstone to reality. We don't do a big meal, we plan and prepare to the Black Friday melee, and strategize what stores and when, divide and conquer all night long. Here I am confronted again, worrying that I won't be able to handle the situation and let someone down.

On the other hand I may not go out of town because my daughter will be in town. I see her so seldomly I don't want to miss this opportunity. We would have the day before Thanksgiving to have our holiday and hang out. I could cook smaller portions of the big meal for the three of us (her boyfriend too) but what if I can't handle the stress? Or I can't make the meal come together? I'm over thinking it I know. I long for the days when she was young and I had my own house. The townhouse to be exact. I had holiday dinners with my friends and family, in a cozy house at the dinner table in the manner which I was raised. I decorated the table, got the good plates out, and presented and wonderful meal. It was an all-day affair that we enjoyed. Man, I miss those days.

Ultimately the tides are changing again to where I don't feel I should be making decisions and going outside my comfort zone. Everyone is being supportive at the moment. They understand. I want to be in two places at once and if I can't, the logical thing to do in my brain says 'Go to bed! You're tired! You can't think so go fetal! Get back into your cocoon and stay there-Netflix is there so lose yourself in witty comedy or a drama film or show. Binge watch all of Downton Abby or catch up on NCIS. Those people's problems are fixed in 30 minutes to an hour. And I love me some Family Feud.

I suppose with the changing season comes new situations and opportunities where I will have to make decisions even when I want to runaway. Again. I find myself longing for more companionship, where decisions are made together and the rewards of life go hand in hand with love and support. I'm thinking that it's more of fallacy at this point in my life, yet I still wear my weary heart on my sleeve. Hope springs eternal. My days with pain ebb and flow in each day. I know so many Spoonies who struggle with similar problems and I know they are as lost as I am. Today I'm struggling with new symptoms and sleeplessness. Tomorrow will bring another day where I will battle again. I know I have a long list of things I need to do, but I can't recall where I left it. Hopefully I remember to look for it in the morning!