Saturday, August 16, 2014

Just Tired

I was just sitting here thinking abut what I might need from the store when I realized I wasn't thinking about that at all. My mind had wandered to the place that I have been afraid of for so long. In my mind I was at discovery.

I am really too overwhelmed to go into the science of it all. Essentially, I posted this blog where everyone and anyone can access to it. That was my intention when I began and I have done it. I don't know what I expected but I was afraid of one thing-rejection. I feel I can take most other things that come my way but rejection, yeah. that's the wound that cuts too deep. Maybe that's not even the correct word.

I worried I would begin to edit myself and begin to present a 'false' me, but I don't think that will happen. I don't have the strength, the will, or the wherewithal to do all that anymore. Especially here. Especially with you dear reader, whom I have grown to love and cherish so quickly. But love me or leave me, I will go on.

I catch myself checking the stats wondering this blog is getting read or shared or generally the health of it but not for the reasons one would think. I know I do it because I bare my thoughts and soul and I just want to see if that's interesting to anyone. The validation someone like me seeks but never finds, even if it's standing right in front of us, because we are so desperate for it.

So I guess the depression talk all week is getting to me. I really do feel like sleeping all day. Or perhaps it's a side effect of the meds. Or just the fibro. My ever present companion, pain, is flaring trying to warn me to get some rest. I am resting. Sorta.

Today I am in my space, my public and private selves very calm, tired and inward-facing. I have been reflecting on myself and recent relationships and I do feel resentment. I inherently feel like-rather convince myself despite what others say-that being my authentic self will get me nowhere. I feel that way because no matter how most relationships of any type begin, no matter my words, actions, thoughts or feelings, the bottom line is when I try to be myself, it's never enough. One whom I thought was going to be great ignored me completely and the second read this blog and coincidentally distanced. Of course I am projecting.

There is a happy end to this post! I did manage to order new glasses! I am also trying out contacts!I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing but I am trying mono-vision contacts since my eyes are old and progressive no-line bi-focal glasses. In the end I probably could have afforded Lasik, yet still needed readers. My vision was my first ball-and-chain.

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